Food hell

On reading the Guardian's article on Britain's most hated foods, I realised that I started something I never finished: my food hell.
Waaaaaaaay back in November 2010 I posted a little something about the evil disguised as food that is Scotch eggs. My opinion stands but this is just the tip of the food hell iceberg.  
Come into my courtroom....

Defendant 1 - Shop bought coleslaw

I'm going to write this under the rationale that everyone has seen Never Been Kissed. You have right? Drew Barrymore being adorable. David Arquette being.... David Arquette. Popular kids and High School nerds. All the usual tripe that gets me scoring films 9/10 on IMDB. 

Well, there's this one scene that fills me with dread, where Arquette's character necks a cafetiere-sized bucket of coleslaw. Shop-bought coleslaw is the food of Satan. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise my arse. This is salad cream in all its evil genius glory, overbearing and smothering those poor lovely shredded vegetables. They never even had a chance... GUILTY!

Defendant 2 - Brussels sprouts

Damn you Christmas! All I've ever done is love you and yet you delight in tormenting me year on year with these little green bastards. Hidden under roast potatoes for years of my childhood  ("just one Nathalie" - yes just one, but it's ruined the flavour of my mouth for the whole of the 25th December) I'm happy to say I've almost completely rid myself of the enduring terror of the Brussels. Better still, they sell them on trendy sticks nowadays and I can pretend I'm morris dancing. Still, GUILTY!

Defendant 3 -  Cottage cheese

When I googled cottage cheese I ended up looking at a picture of a woman's cellulite-rich thighs. Nuff said. GUILTY!

Defendant 4 - Stilton

You know cheddar cheese? You know when it gets mould on it and you THROW IT IN THE BIN? That. GUILTY CHEESE!

Defendant 5 - Baked beans

Yes, that is Pete Townsend

Many of the comments following the aforementioned article focused on the issue of texture. Mushrooms and bananas prove a huge issue for so many people. I've been there. I hated mushrooms, bananas and, in fact, tomatoes for that very same reason. But flavour won over in the end and I eat all three of these squeaky/hairy weirdos regularly.

Back to baked beans.  I feel a bit peculiar just talking about these. There are enough of these in a tin to mount an army. I can feel the film forming inside my cheeks, I can smell the metallic nasties threatening to be eaten cold in the tin.

You know the way they slowly spread on the plate? Like the mercury puddle in Terminator 2 (or Alex Mack for that matter) they threaten to intoxicate all good fry-ups everywhere. Someone! Anyone! Save my bacon! GUILTY!

Defendant 6 - Egg mayonnaise sandwiches

They stink, and if you eat these in public I probably hate you (a bit). GUILTY!

Defendant 7 - Hersheys chocolate

America. Land  of the plenty. Land of the vomit aftertaste. GUILTY!

I'm not fussy though, honest!

Nx